I am ordained to be a Writer. I know this is true because it causes me so much pain.
There are other things I can leave off and survive without... even music, which probably burned the brightest passion of my life. But I can live peaceably, without the urge to create it tearing at my window curtains and scratching at the glass panes like Cathy's ghost.
I do not have a bright passion for Writing.
Of course, I can be passionate about it, but the Writing itself is a dull, painful business, and leaves my head aching and my soul only half full.
It haunts me the days in and out, insisting that I create, and then tying me up in a corner so that I cannot. It comes in starry, beautiful flashes of inspiration, and then drags me through a mile of mud when I try to put down a single word.
The only place it has not infiltrated is my dreams. Even my nightmares, thank goodness, are free of Writing. Maybe sleep does have its uses.
To Write is to flirt with madness, to not Write is to go insane. Or is it the other way around? Some days I do not know if I am right side up or standing on my head.
Writing takes an ugly day and glorifies it, and then snatches a beautiful day and dims it so that I cannot see two feet in front of me. I only know I must Write on, or I am doomed.
It has tied my hands many times; made me shrink from opportunities, hesitate before careers, see less of the world than I should. Because the thought that I should become too busy to Write... why, it's like a death knell.
It would be wonderful to be liberated, to never feel the desperate need to Write another word.
It is a terrible thing to be imprisoned, but I am a willing prisoner. If I were released I should be an unwilling freedman.
What kind of freedom would that be?
P.S. In happier news... today I wrote the opening paragraphs of the follow-up to the middle-grade novel I completed last year. I'm not sure how much opportunity I'll have to work on it with school coming up fast, and the first book needs still some serious 3rd draftiness, but it is started.
That is the main thing.